Feel Feely Feelings

feelings

Ah, yes. Feelings.

So let me explain how I got here in as vague terms as I can.

The Kid’s life got real.

I was watching and couldn’t help.

I started blurring the line between social and self-medicating drinking.

Therapist said “you can have an Olivia Pope glass AFTER you sit with your feelings.”

In my head, I said “Issa no on that,” but what came out of my mouth was “Okay. I’ll do the work.”

Ugh. My need to solve problems.

But, you know me. I thought about that on the ride home. Like I really let that roll around in my head. Did I want to slowly become an alcoholic about something outside of my control? Did I want to have to keep going to therapy because I didn’t deal with my feelings? And is that disrespecting the soul basement work I was already doing? I couldn’t live with myself if I pulled out allllll the moldy, musty trunks of my life just to make room to fill it back up with emotions I didn’t want to deal with.

When I know better, I have to do better. Doing better meant leaving that 19 Crimes on the shelf.

Sigh.

I cried for three days straight. I petted Bro’Ham for an hour. And cried for 10 minutes. I colored. I didn’t cry though cuz I color dopely and tears wrinkle the paper. But I took a break and cried.

I discovered something about feelings though. They don’t sit around waiting to come back like ‘And ANOTHER thing….’ They express what they need to express and go. Each of those cries got me one step closer to accepting what was going on, to freeing myself up to take care of MY mental health and put me one step closer to settling into the new normal.

Don’t deny your feelings, friend. They come up for a reason. They offer lessons and wisdom. They give you freedom. They give you a piece of yourself back. Be like Auntie Max and reclaim it.

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