43

43

My birthday was yesterday. For the most part, I had a good day. I had the most fun this past weekend with my friend, hanging out, talking and eating good food.

So 43. It’s a time of transition. Some major life changes take up a fair amount of my emotional energy. In addition, some deep issues found their way from the basement and want to be acknowledged. Sigh.

I want to say I’m exhausted, but honestly, I’m scared. I realize that I’ve been surviving. Existing if you will. Not living. Moving from one transition to the other, discovering wisdom, but not a richness that I see other people experience in life.

What does life look like when I look at it through courageous eyes? When I’m honest with myself and my needs at this point, which of my relationships survive? What if it’s none? How do I feel about that?

When I talked about it, I explained this period as being in the middle of the ocean, in choppy water wearing a life jacket: I don’t feel like I’m going to drown, but I don’t feel safe. And I realized not feeling safe is one of those basement issues that wants and needs to be released, along with being heard and understood.

It’s going to be a long journey, but if I want to actually start living, it’s one I need to stop putting on hold to maintain my comfort zone.

 

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