Finding Why

change

Up until recently, I struggled my whole life sticking to things. I quit track in 7th grade because it was hard. I quit my job 10 years ago because I really disliked my manager. I quit full-time parenting because I burned out. I’d quit anything in a heart beat for any reason.

I didn’t know how to breathe and almost puked. Quit.

She talked to me like a kid. QUIT!

They said ‘Mommy’ too much. Kinda quit (the kids are still here and they now just call me Mom which is surprisingly less of a quitable sounding word than ‘Mommy’).

The point is, I found giving up easy and taking the easy way doesn’t really build habits because there’s no time for a new behavior to take hold and become the new normal. The other side of this problem was I would focus so much on the exact definition of what I was supposed to be or do that I got lost in why I wanted to do it.

I didn’t want to run, but my friends were running so I thought it would be cool.

I didn’t hate the job, but I didn’t explore options to transfer to a section doing work I liked.

I didn’t dislike motherhood, but I was mothering based on everyone else’s rules (or my rejection of said rules).

In all of these situations, and probably 4,781 others, I wasn’t doing something for me or with my own way of doing it in mind. It took me almost 42 years to figure this out on my own. I was showing and signing up for things that were someone else’s idea of fun or success, not really mine. I was also trying to change my life without understanding the motivation behind it.

For me, understanding why helped me make major changes in how I think and what I do. And I doing things now because I just want to. Not because of any expected future benefit or gain. There is no end goal. They just make life richer and make me feel younger.

And I stopped thinking about them and if what I was doing was right. As soon as I stopped focusing on doing things a particular way, I had fun exploring different ways to get them done. I meditate in the morning, but I also go meditate at my favorite day spa and find something new to add to my at-home routine. I run on a treadmill. Sometimes I run outside. And sometimes I take Bro’Ham with me (although he really just walks fast because I run slow).

The point is life is short, so enjoy it. Show up for it every now and then and make yourself happy.

 

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