Look. I’m not even going to front like a new year doesn’t shift my mind in some way. At least twice a year, I take inventory on me: January 1 and July 2.
So I’m coasting through 2016 wondering what I’m actually going to do different in three days. Working out probably ain’t one of them. Me and these pounds got history. I’m using ‘grown woman weight’ to justify them. I got a grown woman body. Done.
Changing my eating habits. Eh… maybe. I could eat less. I know it’s brainwashing from when I was little and was the only girl trying to keep up with my brother and two cousins at the buffet. I mean it worked then because I burned it off. Now, competing with The Hero led me to this great grown woman body. Into the maybe category.
Being petty. Sigh. But I tried (imagine reading that in an irritating Steve Urkel voice). It’s so hard. Why can’t Jesus or Jobu just zap me on the head and I’ll be nice? Why, lord, why?! I wish I could blame it on something, but it’s me wanting to control people. Not even situations, y’all. People. That never works well and I usually end up with RBF, imagining how many paychecks I’d have to save to buy a remote warehouse just for the occasional kidnap and torture. I’m kidding. Or am I…? I am. By the time I save that much I’d have to outsource the kidnapping and torturing. Where’s the fun in that? Right.
Even though my mind is dormant, some things are cooking. Despite being petty, I am learning to relax more and let some things roll over me like wind. The good kinda wind, not that polar vortex crap that makes you want to punch the air. I’m learning to breathe when I feel that old familiar feeling creeping down my back. Breathing works. It makes my brain tingle and tingling brain is good.
I miss crafting. My work space is basic. Like it’s so basic, that if I needed to repair an earring or necklace, I’d have to go get the supplies. Better example: it’s like wanting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich then realizing you threw all the peanut butter away because somebody convinced you adults don’t eat PB&J. Oh the regret! But, I can’t change what’s happened and I did enjoy the free space. Now it’s time to get back to creating and cooking stuff (see grown woman body above).
Know what else? Going places alone. I really enjoy my friends’ company, but sometimes the thrill of experiencing something alone, even briefly, is pretty fantastic. No pressure to interpret or be or do anything. Just enjoy the experience of being out and doing something new. More of that. And even more of old things like going to dinner or teenage fantasy movies alone.
Of course there are new things. Travel is one of them. Going to Vegas in January with a friend. That’s like two things at once. Know the last time I went on a girls’ trip? 2005. 2005! For the most part, there hasn’t been a person I wanted to go with and, well, traveling makes me nervous. The pressure of doing something when I probably want to enjoy staying in a hotel for at least a day always made me pause. And just about everyone I knew who traveled had or needed an itinerary. I mean I love a schedule, but can’t we just wing it? Anyway, thing of the past. Vegas was a big step and I figure if I’m going to start something, might as well start it with flair. And no pictures.
Slowing down is another. I’m pretty sure somewhere on this blog I talked about slowing down before. This is different. No. Really. It is. It dawned on me that I ASK people to tell me who they are and get upset when they aren’t who they say. I literally figured that out Monday, thanks to a conversation with The Hero. He’s a pure watcher. Not in a hurry to move one way or another until he SEES what’s happening. I’m about that watcher life.
I KNOW I talked about dulling my shine before. Yeah, that’s done. First of all, it’s getting a little too complex to remember who knows what about me. Blame it on getting older or managing way more information that I’m used to, but I just can’t anymore. I’m showing up with all my rough edges because I’m a human and I’m not perfect. And that means trimming the stragglers. You know the ones. You’re friends with one person, but they have a clique so you feel like you should be friends with the rest. Nope, nope, nope. I’m building my Sisterhood Hall of Fame in 2017.
Um, what else? Ohhh… being constantly connected. I need a 12-step program. I have a lot of free time and get bored because I eliminated the fun in my life, so I find myself stalking Facebook. I’m sure I’ve lost a lot of brain cells and gained some form of PTSD from all the terrible crap going on in the world that I’ve read and shared. I have to unplug and live IRL. I hope I just made that term up, but if I didn’t don’t tell me.
In a nutshell 2016 was a good year. I learned a lot about myself. This is MY life. Everything in it should exist because I allow it, not because it was given to or forced upon me. I’m teaching myself the same lessons I tried to teach The Kid about choices. Every choice has consequences and I have to own them. Know what I’m doing? Owning the choice to design a life that I will LOVE. Not love. LOVE.