Falling into Feelings


I’ve been avoiding this post like… yeah, I can’t think of anything witty. I do know that I need to write though and not talk.

You ever notice how you never see your new car on the road before you buy it, then it seems like every fourth car is the exact same as your car? Your mind starts to pick it out in traffic from five miles away. Then you wonder how you never saw your car before you bought it. That’s me right now.

I’m not really sure what I’m feeling. I will say that I was rolling along until I said something about missing my mother and The Hero asked me if I was okay. That was last week.

I didn’t even notice that the date was getting close until I noticed the date was getting close. I’m not depressed nor do I feel like I need to have a good cry and renew an active membership to the Mourning Motherless Daughters club. I’m not quite there. I just feel… detached. Like I have to get through the next few days and then everything will be sharp and in focus. I can engage with my friends more and not feel like I need to keep them at arms’ length just in case I do break down.

The flip side is the three people I love most, I want to love on them like these are MY last few days. I appreciate The Hero for standing with me when the life storms beat me down. The Kid and The Girl, in recent years, have helped me enter a new phase of mothering that I like. If you tell them though, I will go Liam Neeson on you. Their needs, while more complex, are ones that I feel more equipped to handle.

In some ways, it’s been long enough that I don’t mourn my mother being physically dead. I used to feel bad because some of the crisp memories have started to take on fuzzy edges. I accept that. I even accept that without a photo, I can’t remember the details of her face. I used to think that meant I didn’t love her, but I eventually realized I’m a feelings kind of person and I still have all the feelings and some new ones that time and maturity have helped me understand.

The flipside of no longer having her physical presence is having her present spiritually. I don’t know why, but as I evolve, that’s more important to me. Would I love to hug or argue with her? Sure. But in her spiritual state, she’s guided me through some deeply private emotional moments. I know for a fact that I would not have been able to do that with her physically because of our mother/daughter relationship. Spiritually, we are and aren’t that. We are because I recognize her and in recognizing her, I intuitively understand that she is there to help. We aren’t because we’re not saddled with the baggage that comes with the mother/daughter relationship. Ugh… I am not explaining it well. It makes perfect sense in my head, but the words make it seem like I may need meds. FYI: I am not crazy.

You know I love to make a point, but unfortunately, I don’t have one to make today. I just needed to get it off my chest. To say it in a space where it’s more of a stream of thought than a conversation. Thank you.


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