On the Road to Me

me

Sometimes it just gets real.

If you read my last post, you know I spent last month on a vicious cycle of partying and half-recuperating. While I joke about my age, I never felt it until last month. I’m definitely not in my early 30s anymore.

Anyway, that whole month of tired morphed into a period of discovery. It’s like I woke up and decided that I’d created a persona that I don’t enjoy anymore. I became someone who sought validation outside of myself. It sucked and I can now realize and admit that in some ways I was unhappy.

Okay… I need a second to get myself together. This makes me emotional. Sigh.

There was a period in my life when I felt at my prime. I don’t mean physically, but in my head, the place where I live all my waking hours. I liked everything about me: mannerisms, how I felt about my body, my hair, my sense of fashion, level of girliness and where I was headed in life. I was looking forward to The Kid going to live with his father (I did love him dearly, just knew that I can’t teach a boy how men interact with each other) and seeing what young, single and kinda free felt like.

Fast forward and I’m here in my early 40s wondering what happened to that version of me. It’s like I buffed all of my sharp edges out for safety. I talk waaaay more now than I observe. I wonder about certain opinions I have. Not because they’re outdated, but just because I’m curious if in my inner parts, they are the things I really believe. I’m exploring that. I find myself consuming so much social media, that I probably have some level of PTSD. And I’ve been marinating in all this for a while.

I’m a doer though, so I did something. I cut my hair. By Sunday, I’ll have some cold-crushing waves. I’m now going over my relationships with a fine-toothed comb. And my finances. And credit. And spending. And eating. And thinking about myself. I’m defining my new normal. Obviously my life situation changed since the bad ass phase. I’m figuring out how to incorporate that me into my current life.

Of course, I wish this was a fast process, but it’s not. I also wish I could go away for about a month to deal with it, but I know I can’t. I have to ride it out and see where I end up. Something different is on the horizon and because I want to see what it is so bad, it stays elusively out of focus.

Jerk.

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