I’ve been wrestling with writing for the last three weeks. I need to vent in a quasi-anonymous space. You know… when you don’t want someone to give advice or tell you what you’re doing wrong. Or how you used to be. Or who you could be.
It boils down to one thing: I’m tired. And I want to be a kid again, but since no one is willing to adopt and take care of a grown woman, I’ll reluctantly adult.
I feel like I’ve been physically moving non-stop since my birthday earlier this month. I feel like I can’t get enough rest to continue moving, but somehow I keep finding a way to push on. I need a good quality sleep.
I’ve also gained weight. No one seems to notice which means that I’m doing a good job carrying it or they’re liars. I’ll be positive and say that I rock the extra 12 pounds well. Still, that means that a nice portion of my closet is getting no use because I can’t fit certain items. That, of course, forces me to decide to lose the weight or buy bigger clothes. And we all know losing weight takes longer than gaining it.
I am emotionally drained. On any given day, three things are always simmering right below the surface of my emotions. When my life is in balance, these things are manageable. But since I don’t feel rested, they have become things that I’ve started to obsess about relatively often. They are things that I mostly can’t control – you know, other people’s lives and all – but I have a vested interest in two.
American society has also drained me mentally as well as emotionally. The presidential election circus. Police abuse. Terrorist attacks. I’m burned all the way out with everything. It’s sensory overload. I’m frustrated because there are so many things that need to be done, but I feel too small to make any meaningful change. Hell, the truth of the matter is I don’t know WHERE I want to work to make change. The intersectionality of every subject and their importance shift depending on how I feel on any particular day. The upside is that I become more aware of the -isms that I contribute to our collective existence. Or maybe that’s not an upside, but another thing adding to the lackadaisical feeling that’s come over me. I’m losing track.
On top of all of these, I’ve been questioning some of the very foundations of who I am. Is who I am now who I want to be? Is this the life that I see for myself 5, 10 or 15 years from now? If not, what do I need to change? What thoughts, values, morals no longer serve me? What adjectives have I used to define myself that aren’t true? If I look objectively at myself, do I like me? I mean I love me all day long, but do I LIKE me?
I’m starting to realize lately, that I know of a lot of people who have significantly higher tolerances to these things and maybe THAT also adds to the pressure I’m starting to feel. I simultaneously want to rage against everything while taking a nap snuggled in a comfy blanket watching cartoons and eating Honey Smacks. It’s a vacation from the blanket fort.
I don’t think I’m the only person out here who feels like this (see above). I think maybe I’m just not so good at disguising it.