* Warning: Whining and randomness *
Seriously. A lot of whining.
There will be lots of pity.
You’re still reading? Random thoughts didn’t make you close the tab?
Last chance…. Wallowing and randomness….
No? You’re curious?
If you made it this far, I offer no apologies at all for anything after this sentence. None. Nada. Technically after the period, but you get it.
There’s nothing like having someone tell you about yourself when you least expect it. Especially when you ask and aren’t really prepared for the honest truth. So not only did I do something sucky, I didn’t pay attention to the same details that I harped on earlier. So right now, I’m feeling kinda crappy.
I tried rationalizing it. I don’t know about you, but when I’m already in my feelings, more feelings don’t have anywhere to go. So they need to be neutralized. Immediately. This takes a lot of energy. By that I mean there’s usually ugly crying involved, possibly some pillow screaming and the occasional conversation with self. Whatever gets the job done. When all else fails, go out and walk. At night. Alone. In a poorly lit area. Head down. Thinking. Safety? Noo… no one wants to be bothered with the androgynously dressed weirdo walking in the dark. It’s quite glorious. And you get to see how active your neighborhood is at night. Who knew so many people were coming home from work. I digress.
So those feelings. They ache. They hit me in places I didn’t really know existed. Middle of a butt cheek. Top of my shin. Bottom of my foot. Pit of my stomach (that one I knew about). It physically hurts to realize I’m so wrong. And it’s draining. I’m dead tired right now, but I can’t go to sleep. There would be no way I would rest. I’d have another creepy dream like I’ve been having since last week. Boo to creepy dreams.
What brings me here is I really have nowhere else to go. I sat and thought about my options. Who would get that I’m throwing this pity party and put the cabash on it without making me feel even crappier? My mother of course, but… she’s dead. My friends, but they take my side and I kinda don’t want or need that right now. Associates? Too impersonal. Counselor? They want me to do stuff and I don’t need to do anything. I need to work through the process quickly. Like… by 8 p.m. tomorrow quickly. Decades of issues need to be cleanly packaged and stored for a later date when I’m not so emotionally charged.
I think there’s something in the water. Seriously. I drink a lot of water, close to 90 ounces a day. All of a sudden, getting a grip on my emotions is like pulling wisdom teeth without meds. I have a high tolerance for pain, but even THAT is above my pain grade. See what I did there. Pain grade… pay grade…. No? Well, I tried. Did I mention I’m tired?
Seriously though, the issue isn’t being wrong. I’ve been wrong before. The issue is that I am wrong and holding on to a double standard. I overlooked/didn’t really pay attention to the same thing that I said (read: screamed) bothered me. And while I am in no way perfect, I strive to give what I ask to get. I didn’t do that. See why I’m feeling crappy?
When I say that in the past few hours I’ve cycled through just about all of my emotions, I’ve cycled through just about all my emotions. I’m angry at myself for not recognizing the wrongness. I’m sad because I thought I was better than that. I’m happy because at least it was brought to my attention and I can deal with it. And as I type, I can start to think rationally about how to address the issue going forward. At the pinnacle of my emotional meltdown, I decided to suppress all feelings. It seemed like a good solution until I realized that doesn’t benefit anyone. It does me a disservice by minimizing my feelings – right, wrong or indifferent – and it’s not a long-term solution that I can maintain. I’m a Cancer. I’m emotional, dramatic and hyperbolic. Can you really see me suppressing my emotions for more than five minutes? Didn’t think so. And for the other person, they get caught up in a nuclear blast of white hot anger because I let things build to the breaking point. And now they’re having an unnecessary WTF? moment. No bueno.
Sidenote: Ever cry so much that your neck hurts? Yeah, it’s a terrible feeling. I guess my head couldn’t go past 10 on the pain grade (I’m on a roll!) so it just sent the pain down. Yay coping mechanisms!
At some point tomorrow, um… later today, I will be able to look at this more objectively. I know this a snapshot in time and right now I just need to release some energy to get to that leveling point. Thank you, WordPress, for free blogging.
And thank you for reading this rant. I feel like you should get a consolation prize or something for sticking it out this long. But since I can’t give all 15 of you a prize, here you go. Don’t spend it all in one place.