I went ballistic about something that I misinterpreted and elevated to Def Con 4. What someone meant as a joke, I lost it over. My annoyance had been building over time and 13 variables went into my reaction. I won’t list them because you’ll be like ‘Dee… girl… Do better.’
But here’s what came out of that: in a very real way, I still have issues with being heard. And not feeling protected. Or respected. When I was younger, I just buried it. I thought I was insignificant and people not hearing me was what I should expect from life. There were instances when I needed someone to stand up for and protect me and they didn’t. I learned how to deal with it.
Somewhere along the line though, I realized that my voice is my way to communicate to the world exactly what I need and how I want to occupy my space. What Monday’s explosion helped me realize is that those were tools for dealing with my space. The place where I am the sun in my universe. I tried using my tools in someone else’s universe and it failed.
Hence Monday Magma Meltdown. And the lawn chairs. Lawn chairs because you know I’m not about to make myself have seats on a regular. I am going to deal with this issue.
We all like to think we are more sophisticated than we are. The Universe has a way of sending situations and people along and says ‘are you? let’s see.’ And in not being diligent, I had to answer no. THAT was and is a hard pill to swallow. No matter. There is work to be done.
I apologized to the people who got the full blast of my white hot anger. I didn’t feel good about myself until I did. I also removed myself from the situation. Can’t blow up anything if you don’t have access to explosives, right? And once I know that all of the residual feelings are gone and I can see clearly, I’ll work on being less petty. Hey! At least I’m realistic. There’s no sense in me saying I’m not going to be petty. Reasonable, people. I am reasonable.
So hopefully before the end of the winter, I’ll be giving away these lawn chairs. It’s not like I have room for them anyway and with summer and cookouts coming, you probably need some for your family and friends when they come over.
Look for the flyer on the site in the next coming months and a post about how I took the less petty road.