Into the Deep End

 

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Lately, I’ve been really thinking about the energy I give to relationships. From my kids to my family and friends, I’ve pondered what it is that I desire, not what is it that I should do.

What’s come up for me is that I am sending energy to way too many sources. Not that there isn’t enough energy, it’s that my vision isn’t focused. I didn’t take the time to decipher what relationships I wanted to cultivate.

I worked out which friend relationships deserved more energy and I am working on fostering those relationships that will increase my life satisfaction score. Relationships with people who bring their authentic selves to the table and with whom I don’t feel l have to put on a coat of many colors. They are the ones that remind me of my happiest self. The keepers if you will.

But I had to be honest with myself when it came to family. Which of these relationships need to be given that same kind of energy? I honestly have to say that I don’t know much about my family members and I don’t think they don’t know much about me. I’m not sure if this was born from a separation when my mother died or if I ever really had that close bond with them from the start.

Bear with me. I’m working through something as I write and trying to get to the bottom of what I’m feeling.

What it feels like is I have to be open to my family relationships the same way I did my friends. If I could only choose a few family members, who would be the ones I could go to when I needed a confidant? Who would listen without trying to fix it? Not tell me what to do? And the ultimate test: Let me occasionally cry when I miss my mother? Who wants to know me? A relationship can’t live without reciprocity.

I think up until that last sentence, I figured I had to invite everyone in and give equal generalized love when that’s not how life works. It’s dynamic and ever-changing and I stopped being open to that. I kinda let the magic work without guidance and along the line, lost my way in building and cultivating relationships with others. But the beauty of these revelations and life is that there is always a time to right the ship and get back on course.  For now though….

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