If you didn’t read about The Kid’s journey into the wilderness, please read it. It will prepare you for this post. And I read a post from OMG Chronicles around the same time of Decision 2014.
Loss is something we will all have to deal with at some point in time be it the loss of a parent, spouse, friend or some other person or being close to us. But loss is not just linked to physical death only. Loss can occur anytime one person decides to leave another person’s life with or without closure.
I say all of that to say that nothing prepared me more for The Kid’s departure more than my mom’s death. I think the natural progression of things, the fact that parents die first, not kids, helped me understand how I to deal with ‘losing’ my child. And the reality is, two of the most important people in my lifetime, chose to leave and I, on a very high level, wanted to experience this.
Yes. I wanted this experience. I have no idea for what. Based on what I know right now about myself, it’s to show that I can actually live through and find myself learning from a good amount of adversity. But, of course, I’m going through it right now, not done with it.
If you read the post about The Kid, you’d know that I agreed to accept my reality as it is right now, not fight it. Resistance is futile. Resistance says ‘hey… I don’t believe you. Stick around and help me make my life stressful.’ Not me. I’m not about that ‘woe is me’ life.
So I’m going with the five stages of grief:
Denial: At first I denied that my kid would make this choice. Surely a human I grew and birthed couldn’t even fathom such a decision. It goes against everything inherent in my family’s bloodline. We’re not quitters when it comes to things that matter (I had to clarify because we do quit some things). We value education and attaining wisdom. We don’t intentionally cause each other undo angst even if it means telling lies. It’s not what we do. Who is this kid?!
Anger: When he first dropped this news I had to restrain myself from choking him. It wasn’t fair. I put all I had into this kid and THIS is the result?! Are you kidding me?! FML! I really screwed up as a parent. Some part of me envied him the ability to walk away. A small part. Animalistic probably because the city girl in me balks at the whole wilderness idea.
Bargaining: I tried to reason with him. Can you do this for me, as you mom, the person you say you love the most? What can I do that will make you change your mind or reconsider such drastic measures? I needed to bargain.
Depression: A week ago Monday? Um… yeah… I was crying on the DL and trying really good to hold it together at work. I told my superiors the basics about the situation because I was sure I would need a mental health day that week. Embarrassing? Yes, but necessary since I needed to continue to function.
Acceptance: Then came the moment. It was clear as day: This is outside of my control. Struggling with the will of another being never ends up well, especially when the other being has made a solid decision. Why exert even more energy when he is adamant about this decision? What does that do for either of us? He knows that I don’t support this decision, but that I love him like my next breath. What more is there to do? I’m still waiting for the answer on that. Until then, I accept what is at the moment of this writing and prepare for it as best I can.