Over the last few months, my blogging has changed considerably. I initially started blogging to kind of vent at the world over losing my mother, an event necessary for my growth, yet one that will be one of the hardest I survived during my lifetime.
Lately, I’ve been questioning what it is that I came here to do or learn. I’ve read plenty of spiritual books and self-realization texts that have opened my mind to the idea that there’s something here I should be doing to feel completely immersed in what I am.
Let me explain. I am happy, but I have a deep longing that there’s something else I should be doing. Something transformational. I’m not even sure what that means, but that is how it feels. I get to the tip of finding out what it is and something happens. Fear cripples me.
See, this transformational thing is going to require me to be bigger than what I am right now. It’s going to require that I take full responsibility of every choice I make, every thought I create, every relationship I nurture, every person I allow into my life. Each and every one of these choices are what make up my life. The realization that so many things are in my control and that I am responsible for them is sometimes staggering. Not in a bad way, but in a ‘no more excuses’ way and sometimes I can get a little lazy.
My spirit tells me that I am one of those people who once I know better, I can’t NOT do better and that all of my gripes, irritations and annoyances come from trying to not be who I am. Time to do or die. Literally.
Am I scared this time? Yes. I’m unfamiliar with the road I’m traveling. I have no guide on how to take this journey, but I feel like it’s time. Like… it’s really time. All the things that have crossed my path (none of which are coincidence) have led me to believe that each time I failed at making this change in the past is because of the fear of the people I already know not understanding me and the change from auto-pilot to conscious participant. What my spirit tells me is that I will be attracted to those like me and those who aren’t like me, who yet complement where I’m headed will also be guideposts along the path. And some will fall along the wayside. THAT’S the scary part. What if someone I truly love falls by the wayside?
And that takes me right back to living through my mother’s death and knowing that things happened exactly how they needed to happen. If I can live through that, embrace it, see the beauty in it, I can live through any other death, emotional, physical or mental. It showed me that I have the tenacity and courage to keep pushing and find the treasure in my experiences and become an expanded version of who I am.
So now’s the time. I may take a step back now and then, but I feel resolved. Amidst my fears, I feel ready for the adventure that life will bring today and every day going forward.