Grief to the Fifth Degree

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I tried to make something. I tried to write. I tried to understand . I tried to just be. No matter what, I felt heavy, like someone dumped the weight of the universe right inside my chest.

Being a motherless daughter is an ongoing experience. No one has a manual and as the years go on, my mourning changes. Yesterday I cycled through all five stages of grief from the time I woke up to the time I cried myself to sleep. I denied that this loss happened to me, that I just needed to pace the flow of emotions or I would come apart in a big way. Then the anger came. Angry with her for dying, with myself for choosing this experience, for accepting whatever karmic lesson I needed to learn. Angry with people who can’t understand what I feel and, the usual, angry with people who have mothers, but can’t stand them for whatever reason. I tried to bargain with my emotions, to just wait until next Saturday when I have all day Sunday to recuperate because I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like thinking about the fact that my mother is no longer physically with me. I don’t like the feelings. But then I realize that this is my reality, that she has moved on and that I have to continue living. I feel the sadness spread through every fiber of my being. I feel the loss that my daughter will never know my mother, that my son only had four years with his grandmother and – the deepest of all – that I evolved and I don’t have the pleasure of sharing that with her. I figured it out. I need her when things stump me, but I can’t turn to her.

And after all this, after hysterical crying, after just sitting on the bare floor because I just can’t do anything else, after analyzing all the bad decisions and wrong turns, the anger, the raging hate, the desperation, screaming, writing, drawing, withdrawal and nothingness, I realize that I’m still alive. I’m still living. I’m still growing. I’m still here and I’m still who I need to be. Each and every time it gets easier to live with the pain, with the abysmal void, but I do and for that, I’m proud of myself and I know my mother is too.

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2 Comments

  1. Wow, this is a powerful post! I feel your pain. There is not much you can do to get rid of grief. It sucks, but sometimes you just have to feel the emotions and that’s all that can be done. It gets easier with time, I promise. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Thanks. It does get easier. It took the first nine years to move past having anger right under the surface. It’s just… strange because most times I can’t think of any ‘triggers’ that bring it on.

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