I just read a post earlier that I wrote March 4, 2011 about spring cleaning. I don’t know what prompted me to actually re-read one of my own posts, but it’s always interesting to see where I was mentally on a particular day and where I am today. And today I had an epiphany that felt like I sucker punched myself in the nose with brass knuckles. It wasn’t a pretty day emotionally for yours truly.
Anyway, said post was about my usual emotional and mental spring cleaning and I realized that I wasn’t feeling that this year. That’s big news. I usually take pride in preening my list of associates and inner circles. It’s like going through clothes I didn’t wear and just letting them go.
This year, I’m different. I don’t know when or where it happened, but I just don’t have the urge to do a mental checklist of who has loved me and continues to stay on ‘the list’ or pissed me off and should be exiled to the barren lands. I realized that the striving to be this perfect person was a massive hindrance to me accepting the reality of life: we’re all perfectly fine.
I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not nose-deep in the next big self-help project examining the evil minutia of my personality and how I can be totally awesome and envied. I just don’t care anymore. I like me. I’m happy with who I am and how life turned out because I had the know-what-I-know moment when it hit me that it could be really shitty. And in that same moment, I realized that the lifestyle I thought I wanted for so many years is based on social programming of what I should want not what my heart desires.
So no spring cleaning this year. I’m letting people be who they are, being who I am and being cool about all of it. After today’s situation, I realize that I’m calmer than I imagined I would be. Maybe this was a breakthrough to something different in that area of my life. Who knows? All I know is I’m focusing on living in my reality and not my fantasies about who I was, could be or wanted to be.