Altered Past ≠ Better Present

I’ve been pretty good about getting up and spending a few minutes in the morning getting my mind right. I found a really cool meditation book that focuses on letting go and living now, something I have a real problem doing because of life-altering, but not well-planned decisions.

Today’s meditation was about living in the past and how living there blocks the flow of learning from and appreciating it for the role it plays in where I am right now. The author had two children, one of whom had died, and she was remembering a time when they all lived together. She wrote that she wished she could have one more moment with her son, but then she came across a piece of wisdom that said living in the past and wishing it were different blocks us from appreciating the present and the role the past played in molding our lives today.

There are days or instances when I wish my mother were still alive. It’s probably a thought I have subconsciously all the time. There was a time I would silently wish I could trade someone else’s mother to get mine back because I loved her so much and couldn’t do anything to help her. These thoughts, looking back, were extremely judgmental. Granted, I’m still not a big fan of arguing with parents, but I have no idea what the dynamic of the relationship between adult children and their parents really is. I judge it based on the relationship I had with my mother and stamp it ‘GOOD FOR TRADE. EXCHANGE FOR VJ01141954’.

But in the 11+ years since my mother died, I realized a lot of good came from her death. I grew up mentally and emotionally. I no longer had someone to turn to make decisions for me and blame if they didn’t go the way I wanted. It forced me to deal with my emotions, conflict, self-image, self-love, being a parent and learning who I am when I’m not being the good daughter. I found a very interesting woman under the daughter façade. Possibly a daughter who wouldn’t meet her mother’s approval. At 25 that scared me, but with time comes wisdom and I embrace me.

I stand in my ownness. I stand in who I am right now, not who I aspire to be or who I was. I accept my limitations and live to support my strengths. I feel no need to be who I’m not because others want or expect it. I don’t scold myself for not being more forgiving or praise myself for loving hard. I just am. And I strongly believe that had these 12 years been any different, I wouldn’t be who I am right now.

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