Where do I go from here?

I’m sitting here at this screen realizing that I’m just weary. I’m physically tired, which is probably my own doing for going to sleep at night on a second shift schedule and waking up in the morning on a first shift schedule.

I’m emotionally drained. How I feel right now is like I want to go inside myself and retreat from the world for a little while. I need time to recharge and regenerate. I have to be gentle with myself once again and realize that I don’t have it all figured out and sometimes, just sometimes, people won’t get my perspective. That’s been a pretty hard pill to swallow here lately, but it’s a necessary truth I’m going to have to accept.

I also realize that my reactions to things that are unfamiliar creates a resistance from other parties and had I handled the situation differently, I wouldn’t feel like I don’t have closure. A recent series of events helped me realize that and now I’m struggling with my thoughts on things I won’t know for sure, things that are important to helping me put my assumptions aside. But based on my response, the parties involved in these situations are cautious about what they say and that’s my own doing.

There are other aspects of life that are making me question some foundational relationships and if these make me happy. For one, it does, but there’s an important component that’s been consistently lacking. I’m starting to grow tired of that aspect of the relationship. For another, it’s really a matter of me seeing something I didn’t before and I’m trying to see how I feel about that, if it’s something that I can live with or not. I tend to allow people to be themselves, but if it’s not in line with how I view myself, I let them go. And through this, I also realize that I’m not like most people who accept things and people as they are and expand their network. That’s what I’m wondering: Does this person fit in my network and if so, where?

Times like these make me want to wish the struggle away, but I know that through the struggle is truth and truth brings wisdom.

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