A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about being in boxes after I listened to Lauryn Hill’s Unplugged song. At that writing, I realized that I had conformed to boxes that I didn’t want to necessarily be in anymore. But yesterday, after some deep soul-searching and acceptance, that song has a new meaning.
I created personal boxes. I allowed myself to box in aspects that I thought were ‘bad’ or would have people view me in a light I didn’t want. I wouldn’t allow anyone to get close and I tried very hard to conform to those boxes because getting out of them would mean that I wasn’t who I professed to be. Who would that make me? And on a scarier level, how would that make the people I care most about feel?
To right a very important relationship, I had to get out the boxes. I had to bring those things I didn’t want to be publicly to the forefront and admit, out loud, that I liked them and that I wanted to be this person. I had to be honest with myself that NOT being who I was isn’t just cheating the other person, but cheating myself as well. If my goal is to be honest and a person who knows and accepts who she is privately publicly, that means that I have to actually do those things. I have to be honest, with myself and others. And I have to accept who I am, no matter if that’s what another person likes or not. The interesting thing is that my worst fear wasn’t realized and I feel much calmer now that it’s out there. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to feel like ‘should I say that?’ ‘This doesn’t seem right.’ I can just be.