There are times when I think ‘yes, I’m at that point when the little things that once bothered me no longer bother me’ and the test of life comes along to let me know that I’ve been so busy making sure that I can learn to respond differently to this small thing, that I totally forget the universal lesson of not responding to small things period.
So I have this issue about worrying about how people feel if I tell them exactly what I’m thinking. I don’t generally like saying how I feel for two reasons: 1) most times how I feel at that moment changes later and 2) I don’t want to discuss why I feel the way I do. This isn’t to say that either or both of these things happen in all situations, but there have been enough conversations in my adult life to give me pause before I go saying what randomly comes across my mind.
Lately though, I find myself in a conundrum. Most of my conflict lately is a result of not saying what I’m thinking at the moment I’m thinking it. My reasons for not saying so fall on deaf ears because said conversationalists feel like there’s something else. There’s an unspoken part of the conversation that sheds light on something or maybe continues the conversation and I, by not saying what I’m thinking, do the discussion a disservice.
Maybe I give too much credence to the whole brain/mouth filter theory. Maybe what I should do is have a healthy plate of random, yet subject-appropriate thoughts, that come out and later go back and have a second discussion that having had time to think about what was said earlier, I’ve come to different conclusions. Maybe.
But I know myself. I realized that I don’t like feeling conversations when my emotions are elevated. I can’t think. I can only feel what I’m feeling about what’s been said, which means I can’t hear what’s being said because I’m too busy feeling some kind of way. And I’m waiting for the pause in the conversation when I can say something about what was already said (and possibly old). It sucks and at the end of the conversation, I really can’t even think about anything because I’m managing my emotional responses. So I choose to say nothing or ‘I need a minute to think about how I want to say what I’m thinking’.
I’m working through it though. I realize, typing this post, that this is just another stop along my life path and these lessons, these tests, are a way of helping me vibrate at a different frequency. It’s helping me understand that in order to go where I’m going, I have to incorporate this aspect of self at the knowing level and stop fighting it. I’ve never been broken or killed by what someone says they feel. And my words, in these conversations, don’t have the strength to break or kill anyone. I have to trust the process and stop hoping an old system works in a new era.