Some weeks ago, I wrote a post to my father. I uncovered some deep-seated issues that I need to deal with to release the energy that I keep allowing to sour my mood whenever I see he’s contacted me. Yesterday however, I realized that it’s a trigger for any person that is trying to draw me into a relationship that I’m not feeling. Honestly, it’s that the relationship doesn’t feel natural and while the other person may want it, I, at this time, don’t.
This grand enlightenment occurred when I read my latest Facebook updates. Two similar comments by two different family members with similar levels of familiarity elicited two different responses: one made me excited, the other made me roll my eyes. And I realized that the difference is that I am open to a relationship with the first and not the second. When I really stopped to look at why I do that, why I respond positively to some people and negatively to others, my initial response was that I don’t like the ‘look at me” syndrome, LAMeS for short.
Naturally, I’m a quiet person. I don’t talk loud, I don’t draw attention to myself unnecessarily. I don’t usually find myself in a bunch of hot fires or surrounded by endless drama. We all have our down times, but generally speaking, I don’t dish them out in-depth on Facebook or Twitter. So when people come at me with LAMeS, I’m repelled. Completely turned in the opposite direction.
This isn’t to say that I don’t have friends who initially started off with LAMeS and as I allowed myself to get past that (and they didn’t stalk or ask me what they’ve done or why I don’t call or how come we don’t hang out), our relationship blossomed. Lately though, I seem to be attracting aggressive people with LAMeS and it’s really taking a lot of energy to remain civil, to keep from screaming ‘IF I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU, DON’T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE RESPONDED TO YOUR SECOND CALL/TEXT/E-MAIL/MESSAGE, IDIOT? DAMN! GIVE ME A MINUTE!’ And maybe it will come to that. Maybe it will come to several conversations where I say ‘Right now, I’m going through something, so I’ll get back to you when things settle down.’ Or maybe I should have just done that after the second call/text/e-mail/message.