Dear Bud

I’m trying very hard to work through my feelings about you. I waffle between them. There are times when I feel nothing toward you. No anger, no love, no disappointment. You are a person, without whose contribution I may not be here. I acknowledge that part in my making and move on. There are other times when I dislike you intensely. This is one of those times. It is always triggered by the random stalking you initiate when I suppose I cross your mind.

Right now, I wish that our relationship didn’t exist. I wish that I could switch you out for someone else. Emotionally, that occurred years ago when you showed me that I couldn’t rely on you. At some point, I felt it was only fair that I hear your side of my childhood. At that time, I felt like I was bound to establish a new relationship with you because I wanted to be this great person who could surpass the past and make a new future.

Here’s what I realize though: Leaving the past in the past doesn’t always mean that there’s a bright new future. I don’t have to have a relationship with you. I made it through these almost 36 years without one. At the time I released my past anger, I was going through grieving for my mother and instinctively thought “Wow… I only have one parent now. Maybe I need to make things right with him.” Having come to terms with that tremendous loss, I realize that wanting a relationship with you was triggered by fear. Fear of losing both parents.

But guess what? I’m a whole person. That fear, that sense of obligation toward you is an illusion. I’m owning and feeling my feelings and right now, I’m pissed. I’m angry because both of us should have done more to make the relationship work. We’re both slackers. We both dropped the ball plenty of times. What I feel the difference is between us is that I’m moving to a point where I’m okay with that and you’re not. Each time you contact me, I feel dread. I feel like I should have stopped myself from that initial contact some years ago. I should have grieved first and then made choices. But, as always, hindsight is always 20/20.

I have this deep, intense anger that I need to work through. I know that because I want to get through it, the Universe will continue to trigger interactions with you until I decide to stop responding to the energy. Each step I make toward progress, you’ll show up. I know this. I’m writing this to remind myself that I always have the choice. Always. And I’m choosing now to stop sending out the energy that attracts you to me.

In the end, I hope that you can be a father to the children you are currently raising and I hope that they find some value in a relationship with you. And I would like a relationship with our mutual family members. I just choose not to have one with you.

Your daughter

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