On my way home, I thought about why I chose the moniker Honesty’s Protégée. See… it takes a lot of guts to be honest or try to live in a place where honesty is the norm. Most people would rather hide behind something and not be who they are, opting instead to be liked, understood, accepted. I decided that you can’t like, understand or accept me if you don’t know me and you can’t know me unless I know myself, which means at all times I have to be who I am whether it’s good for you or not. And that’s when I realized that honesty can be hard.
Why is it hard? Mostly because we don’t want to hurt people or let them down. In order to keep our word and be this person that we present to the world, we do and say things we don’t mean. We take one (or 100) for the team. We enable people. We tell white lies so that we don’t hurt other people’s feelings. We contract ourselves so that someone else can expand at our expense. Well… I got sick of that. I got tired of condoning behavior that I didn’t feel was appropriate. I got tired of doing things for others because they did something for me. No more enabling. I am not partaking in crutch activities because YOUR mouth can’t say ‘No thank you’.
That moment became a birthing. It became a coming of awareness of self and respecting myself enough not to be less than who I wanted to be. I had to balance being completely honest with being tactful and in the end it became part of my life journey. There are still one or two people who don’t get the full blast of what I think and feel, but I’m working on that and I allow myself the space to be by reminding myself that without knowing me, these people can’t love me completely. They have to see me for who I am in order to decide if I am someone who they want to share their life journey with. And I have to choose to be okay with how they interpret who I am. It’s a dual decision.
I remain a protégée. I learn more about who I am each day as I accept my thoughts and opinions about people and situations I never considered. And in the end it helps me collect all the pieces of who I am and become whole.