It’s right around the time of the year when I do some internal spring cleaning. No I don’t mean colonics or detox diets. It’s the time of year when I take inventory of where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m headed.
I would say that this year is different from all the other years, but I’m not sure I believe that. I believe that my approach is more natural than before, more in cycle with nature than me logically thinking ‘okay… who and what doesn’t make the cut?’ I feel bigger, like the things that used to bother me don’t, all the things I’ve been afraid of pursuing are now possible and I can admit some truths that I probably would have scolded myself for thinking and identifying positively with before this moment.
What are some of those things? I want to get to know my father’s family. All the years of my life have been devoted to knowing, caring about and loving my mother’s family. I have vague memories of being around my father’s family and through either actual experience or the fallacy of memory, very few feel positive. And by attaching the negative feelings to the memories, I’ve transferred them to the people. I accept my responsibility in that and am now going to go forward with creating new relationships with those who want it.
Major issue going on right now that I occasionally feel very angry about. I do remember a day when this would have crippled me, but instead, I can be strong for everyone. I still see possibilities no matter how things turn out and in the end, whatever happens is exactly what should happen to move everyone to next. And in the end, universal balance will be achieved for all involved. What looks like bad, may actually be the doorway to something better.
I’ve also been thinking about my kids. While I won’t go into detail, it’s amazing what children expect. I’m sure when I was younger I felt the same way. It’s occurred to me that kids believe parents’ universe revolve around them. I don’t subscribe to that way of thinking. I love them, yes. I want the best for them too, but will I bow to every whim and expectation because of those things? No. When they were younger, things were different and in some regards, my daughter still has some of those privileges. But with age comes responsibility and unfortunately, that’s a concept my son doesn’t want to accept. And that is his choice. At his age, he will have to experience the consequences of his choices. I used to feel bad about that, but then I realized that the things he’s choosing to experience are the same things we’ve consistently discussed and I’ve consistently tried to tell him to see the positive and not focus on the perceived negatives. Maybe he’ll grow out of this phase. Maybe he won’t. What I can’t do is make him be who he isn’t and today I realized that I don’t have to like him for it. Do I love him? Sure. I don’t like the person he’s choosing to be and frankly, I’m okay with that. As I wrote plenty of times, I know what he’s been taught and if he chooses to let that go and figure it all out for himself, go for it. In the end, I can’t live his life for him and I really don’t want to.
So I’m off to enjoy wine and cheese and curl my twocs and let the natural spring cleaning occur.