Station break for an anxiety rant


As I write, I have to admit to myself that I’m lightweight burned out. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m burned out or really just in such a state of flux and can’t focus that it’s making me physically ill (as in a nagging headache the last two days). Consider this a station break from my late style of hard journalism to get my mind in order to do some stuff.

In the last 14 days, I quit my job, moved into a new house, found a new part-time job, decided to pursue some public relations work and still want to do some writing. Add to that the fact that my kids and partner think I’m awesome and want some of my time. In the midst of all this – and this may be TMI – ‘that’ time came and I really just wanted to climb in the bed with some caramel-laced ice cream, cry a little and go to sleep for three days. I’m tense, not exercising, jacking up my vegetarian lifestyle by eating mostly Bush’s vegetarian baked beans and Trader Joe’s chimichurri rice while craving the reintroduced Wendy’s fish sandwich. Just re-reading all this makes my throat tense and my head throb. And I have a 12:45 p.m. life coach session that I want to cancel because I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Complaining done. The truth of the matter is I need to prioritize. I have projects that I’d like to accomplish and instead of focusing my energy on one thing at a time, I find myself back in the cycle of doing a little bit here and a little bit there. I can multi-task, but I do my best when I focus on one thing and see it to the end.

Then there is the subject of me time. That’s not the same as time alone, which is something I realized this week. I’ve spent time alone doing stuff: organizing the house, thinking about the projects, acting on projects, but not really taking care of me. Yes, I went out Wednesday and got hair products and shopped, but that’s not the quality of time I’m writing about. Time spent asking myself what do I need and giving myself that time to regenerate. In the absence of regeneration, I’ve worn myself to the point that I’m no good for me or anyone else. Instead of focusing on all of the things that I’ve already handled, double- and triple-checking them, I have to nurture my physical and spiritual well-being.

Ah, yes… spirituality. I finally get to the heart of the issue. I struggle finding my path. I believe there is something bigger than me out there. What I’ve also realized recently is that I really don’t want to commit to any religious category. I clung to Earth-based religions pretty heavily for a while, but I now feel a pull toward something else. It could be a church. It could be a Buddhist gathering. It could even be a coven. But right now, I still feel in a transitional period and I don’t want to commit to any one group. I actually feel as though I want to explore something I haven’t tried yet. Maybe Hindu is next on my list.

My mind is fuzzy now so I take it as a sign to wrap this up. The short of everything is I have to take better care of myself. Once I make it a habit of taking care of me, other things shouldn’t feel as taxing.

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1 Comment

  1. First of all, you are not complaining as you mention. You are venting about the things weighing on your mind, and we all need to do that.

    When life feels overwhelming (i’m very familiar with that) sometimes it’s just a little thing that helps. When I first left my job and was uncertain about my future, one of the things I did was subscribe to Netflix. I like indie flicks and documentaries and I look forward to my Netflix coming in the mail because it symbolizes “me” time. I watch the movie alone. It’s great.

    Good luck navigating through everything. You will come out strong on the other side.

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