I’ve been sitting up here rotting away waiting on you. I keep sending you messages to get up and go to the library or Barnes and Noble, but you continue to make the dent in the couch deeper and burn a hole in our pants and heat up Thigh from staying on the laptop so long. I’m tired of perusing mindless information. I’m also tired of the fact that I can’t finish a task because you’ve gotten slower while I’ve gotten faster. By the time you muster the energy to do something, I’m already five thoughts ahead of you. I’m aging faster than I should. Remember when we took the Real Age test? How is it that our real age is 41, but chronologically we’ve only been alive 34 years? It’s because you and I cannot seem to come to an amicable compromise when it comes to leisure activities. I like reading, solving problems and spending time creatively and you like sitting, eating and sleeping. I beg you to cooperate with me and trust me when I say that if you don’t pick up a book soon, you’ll feel me leaving through Nose, Mouth and Ears without a second thought. To avoid such unsightliness, I’ve decided to make some housekeeping changes. These changes are known as Project Brain and Body Synchronization or BABS for short. Please see the list below:
- There will be no more asking if I’m hungry and when I say no, you eat anyway. I have developed a sophisticated system that will expel any unauthorized food through Anus. This will not be a pleasant experience.
- Body functions will shut down once I log five hours of television viewing. Expect to be diagnosed with chronic narcolepsy if you choose to circumvent this directive.
- Eyes will read printed material at least one hour each day, with a maximum limit of nine hours straight. Triggers for breaks and food will be provided at regularly scheduled intervals. You will not have to send a synapse up to ask if it’s time to eat.
- Legs and Glutes will get 30 minutes of real exercise. This does not include walking inside the house to complete menial chores such as going to the restroom or to prepare food.
- Mouth will send at least 64 ounces of water down Digestive Sys. at regular intervals every day. If not, I will send receptors to Hurt Back Lane immediately. Any attempts to send large amounts of liquid traffic down Digestive Sys. will result in frequent trips to the restroom…. at 2 a.m.
- Face gets face time twice a week. I grow weary of telling her that the lines and blemishes are a result of stress. She deserves better and I vow to give it to her. Resist and Back will also have the same unwanted company.
- Feet get pampered once a week. Just because it is winter does not mean that Feet want to put on extra skin. They say they feel like sandpaper and talons, two things extremely unacceptable in their social circle.
- Hair gets Aveda products recommended by our stylist. If not, Hair will go on strike and walk off the job like she did three years ago.
I hope that you willingly cooperate and become active in Project BABS. Thank you for your understanding.