I signed up for two free issues of O! I liked it in the past and it provided really good self-improvement and self-love information that I found practical and fun. I figured ‘why not?’ If I don’t love it, no harm, no foul. I got my two trial magazines in the mail and took them to work. I let them sit on my desk for about a week before I actually opened them. There’s a saying that things come at the right place, right time. And after yesterday, I’m a firm believer of that simple statement.
I had a heated debate with my supervisor yesterday. What was said isn’t as important as a simple truth that came to me: I do not belong here. I’ve known it for a while, but listening to others, I tried to readjust how I feel about who I work for and what I do; however, it just keeps coming back to me feeling like the grungy chick among the suits. Anyway, after I left the office, I was hot. I mean HEATED. I internalized my emotions because I knew that my emotional response was aggrandized based on my personal feelings. I gave myself time to process, switched out my supervisor for someone I personally love and went over the conversation again in my mind. I realized I made some valid points, but at times I responded emotionally (which I am not judging, but it had no place in the conversation). After I accepted my fault, I realized, once again, this job is not for me. Sad thing is I’ve know it for three of the almost four years I’ve worked here. I don’t have the patience, respect for authority (or position), and unbiased way of looking at issues to be successful here. I knew this, but I thought I could change. I tried to alter a basic part of who I’ve become.
Back to the magazine. I actually took my lunch hour yesterday and the thought crossed my mind to take O! with me. When I looked at it, one of the cover stories, “Who are you Meant to Be?” screamed ‘read me! read me!’ I went upstairs and read the articles different authors wrote on the subject, but one section struck a cord with me:
We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be. The only problem is that there is also so much other stuff, typically fixations with how people perceive us, how to get more of the things that we think will make us happy, and with keeping our weight down. So the real issue is how do we gently stop being who we aren’t? How do we relieve ourselves of the false fronts of people-pleasing and affectation, the obsessive need for power and security, the backpack of old pain, and the psychic Spanx that keeps us smaller and contained?
Why DO we allow ourselves to be small and contained? Why are we always striving to climb corporate ladders, find the perfect job or career opportunity and then beat ourselves up when we don’t? Why are we so afraid to leave the job with benefits for something that pays less, but makes us happier? I know I find great joy in creative positions. I am happiest when I’m with a group of open-minded people who are willing to let go of the status quo and find a funner, more effective and unusual way of approaching a problem. I have never had that with this job. I’ve tried to rethink how I look at what I do, try to creatively approach what I do, but 99% of the time I end up with mundane and repetitive tasks. I tried to even learn about other areas to which I was told ‘We don’t get involved with those subjects. Another group handles that.’ I feel stifled and I’ve allowed myself to remain stifled and contained for three years.
That’s not new though, as you already read. What came to me is why am I afraid to let it go? I thought about that. I’m not afraid of not having benefits. I’ve been without them before. I’m not afraid of not having a cushy salary. Been there before too. You know what I’m afraid of? Not providing those things for my kids. How do I tell them that I can’t afford to get them things when they ask? It makes me feel like a loser in their eyes and they are two of the few people in the world that I truly care how they see me. I don’t want to fail them as a mom. Love is cool and all, but I know my girl wants Littlest Pet Shop toys and my son is always looking at a new DS game. Their fathers take great care of them and provide what they need, but I helped make them, so I assume responsibility for their health and well-being. I’m afraid that my kids will think of their mom as… unsuccessful.
But I think that’s when I have to call on something deep inside, my survival instinct. I have to put aside the fear of not getting it right and go with what I’m feeling right now. I have to make a change. I have to do something that I enjoy. I may have to go back to college for it, but I have to find a way to take one step, one step toward feeling fulfilled and at the end of the day I touched someone else or enhanced my own life.