shades of gray

A few weeks ago, I came across The Secret’s website. I guess you can say it was probably a very low point emotionally because I was right on the verge of thinking that things would never get better, that they were in a permanent state of suck. But I listened to and read some of the information on the site and realized that I am the creator of my own reality and figured if I put that thought out there (the permanent state of suck), the Universe would have no choice but to acquiesce. Thankfully, I caught myself in time. Anyway, I signed up for a few newsletters and other e-mail subscriptions and decided to go on the journey. Some time last week, I received an audio session. I read the description and decided to let it sit in my inbox. At the time, I didn’t know that this week would be the week I needed to hear it.

It’s getting close to the time when my mother died. As with the death of a parent, that event played an important part in who I became. This year, surprisingly, I don’t feel the need to carry the torch that marks the anniversary of the day of her physical life as Val ended. I was at a point where I felt extremely despondent that I couldn’t remember how my mother looked or her laugh or her voice or sometimes, not even a good memory when I needed one. I questioned if I truly loved her as much as I professed to people. And as always, I was angry with her, with the doctors and myself for not preventing the death from occurring. On a whim, I listened to the audio session from last week. The session was about letting go and in letting go realizing that there is no such determination as black and white, that life is a collection of grays. The idea that things are ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is a concept that doesn’t exist. In our current plane of existence, we’ve created a system of duality, but in Allness, no such distinction exists: Events are neutral.

So back to my mom’s death. Before I listened to the session, the thought occurred to me that her death was neither good or bad. It was an event in my family’s life that had different effects on us all. I was happy to realize that first and foremost, I allow myself to feel the emotions, without apology, when they come. I also stopped cutting them off. What I realized is when I feel the sad emotions associated with the loss, I almost always immediately feel the gains. I think about how I lived and felt when she was alive, that I restricted some part of myself from being who it wanted to be to fit into a daughter mold. Not that she asked or required, but because of my own definition of what being a daughter meant. Without her, I don’t feel like I have to do that. I wouldn’t have made the decision to let my daughter live with her father because it was in her best interest. If she were alive, I would have felt compelled to keep my daughter. I think about all the wisdom I learned on my own when I think about all the wisdom she would still be sharing with me. I see her in me, but as part of the personality I created for myself. Her death was a release and while I would like to talk to her, I realize that I don’t need her as much as I thought I did. With her death, I found my courage. When I stopped defining the event as good or bad, I could see it as one of the many experiences I’ll have in my life, put it in context and continue to live.

In another sense, the session made me think about more general responses. The speaker, Hale Dwoskin, did an exercise that made me know I’m on the right path to having calm all the time. One interesting piece of information is when he said that ignoring feelings isn’t the same as letting them go. I realized that sometimes I suppress what I feel because I don’t like how it makes me feel. I don’t know how to deal with a feeling, or at least I’ve told myself I don’t know how to deal with them. The reality is, I’ve never tried. I give up and hold the hostility or I aggrandize the situation and go off unnecessarily, causing more stress. So I wonder what it would be like if I just tried. I’m going to try to see life through gray lenses and try to stop giving definitive black or white stamps to everything.

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